How to write an AP English essay without even trying *

1.  The Introduction

One of the hardest parts of writing an AP English essay is the beginning.  After all, we've been learning since elementary school that the beginning is the most important part of the entire essay, and if you get it wrong, you will fail.  We don't want our readers getting bored and walking away after the first sentence now, do we?  This idea stands true despite the fact that the AP readers are kind of required to stick it out and read the whole essay.

Therefore, a winning introductory sentence should start with something all-encompassing and vague, such as, "In today's society," "For many years," or (my personal favorite), "In the words of [insert important historical figure here]."  There's no way you can go wrong when someone like Albert Freaking Einstein is starting off your paper.

From there, contrive some way to transition to your thesis.  The best thesis statements analyze the theme of the passage while also managing to answer the prompt fully.  Theme is tricky.  Look over the passage or think about the work that you are writing about, and think about how it makes you feel.  The stuff that they make us read for AP English usually has something to do with society or something, so try to mention that.  If you're still stumped, that might be an indication that the theme involves the ambiguity of society's morals or the lack of clarity in life.

Once you have your thesis, remember that this is what you're trying to prove from now on.  Keep referring back to it to ensure your reader that you haven't forgotten this task.


2.  The Body

Everybody knows that good essays must be long.  Therefore, feel free to embellish and adorn your sentences as much as you like, making sure -- and this is important -- to add several clauses and the like; make frequent use of semicolons, as these also make you look like you know what you're doing.

Using the passive voice is a good way to lengthen sentences -- never mind the fact that it makes your writing dull and ineffective.  Redundant phrases such as, "Needless to say," and "It goes without saying," serve the same function.  Sprinkle in some long, impressive-sounding words that you read in that book that one time.  In a word, if you want your essay to look impressive, never say in one word what you can say in many.

Never use, "I think," or "In my opinion."  Even if you feel that omitting these phrases might make you seem abrasive or assertive, giving others the impression that you're just generally unfriendly, these phrases weaken your argument.  Instead, use "one" when you feel the urge to use "I," because it sounds sophisticated and smart.  Sentences such as, "One would think that one would get used to one knowing oneself," will show off your writing smarts and impress the reader.

Transitions are important.  Scatter such phrases around your essay as: furthermore, in addition, moreover, however, on the other hand, in contrast, therefore, and thus.  Please keep in mind that "thusly" is a bit ridiculous sounding and might not actually be a word.


3.  The Conclusion

The conclusion is the last the thing that the AP reader will see before grading your essay.  Logically, then, the conclusion is very, very important, since you can't possibly expect the reader to remember everything that you wrote in the previous paragraphs, whether it was good or bad.

As you'll be running out of time at this point and cracking under pressure, brow sweating, fingers cramping, checking the clock every twenty seconds because OMG YOU HAVE NO TIME LEFT, it's best to keep this  section short and sweet.  Don't panic.  Flip back to your first page and take a look at what you wrote for your thesis sentence.  Using your extensive AP vocab, substitute appropriate synonyms, rearrange the word order, and voila!

You've just finished your winning AP English essay without even trying!  Feel free to discuss the essay with friends afterward and brag about how easy it was for you.


* LOL JK, there is no easy way to write a decent AP English essay.  I'm truly, sincerely sorry.