How to give a great gift without even trying

So you've just been invited to a birthday party!  Hooray!  Man, how popular are YOU.  After this initial euphoria wears off, however, you're stuck with that whole issue of actually having to buy something for the lucky birthday boy or girl, and you can't for the life of you think of what to get.  Fear not, this handy guide will teach you how to give a great, seemingly thoughtful gift (whether for birthdays or other occasions) without even trying.


Giving Gifts to Girls

Step 1.  Get thee to a Walmart.

Walmart has everything, and for cheap prices.  And as long as you don't go out and buy anything that has the Walmart / Sam's Club / Costco logo on it, you're golden.  If you have complaints about Walmart's business practices or whatever, I guess you could go to a... a Whole Foods or something?

And if you were thinking of going to the mall or some boutique to look for the perfect present, I'm just going to ask you right now to leave from this lazy person's guide to gift-giving, because going to the mall requires a lot of shopping around and walking.


Step 2.  Consider your gift-giving options.

It helps if you know a little bit about the girl for whom you're shopping.  For example, does she have any favorite movies, bands, or authors?  Consider getting her a DVD, CD, or book -- it makes you seem thoughtful because you remembered something about her interests.  (In the case of book-giving, return to Step One, and get thee to a Barnes & Noble.)  Just make sure that she doesn't already own a copy of whatever you're getting her, because that just makes it awkward.  This will take some sly detective work from you, but I'm confident you can do it.

If you're shopping for a girl with whom you're not that familiar, or you just weren't paying much attention when she was talking about how much she loves The Beatles, there are a few generic gifts that almost any girl wouldn't mind getting:

• Lotion:  Walmart actually has lotion scents that can compare with those of Bath & Body Works.  Make sure to do a smell check before buying -- if you don't like the smell, she probably won't like it either.
• Fuzzy socks:  Basically, all girls love fuzzy socks.  (That might be a bit of a generalization.)  If I'm shopping for someone during the fall or winter, I will often get a pair of fuzzy socks and lotion that are the same color for the appearance of epic thoughtfulness.
• Make up or nail polish:  Be a little careful here -- not all girls wear make up and nail polish.  If you know your friend even a little, though, you should know if she does or does not.  For those of us who do wear make up or nail polish, we like variety, so we certainly wouldn't mind getting more.
• Chocolate:  Chocolate is an excellent and delicious bag-filler, for when it looks like you didn't buy enough.  And if your girl friend doesn't like chocolate...  LOL JK, that's never gonna happen. *

I also advise you to stay away from clothes, unless you're absolutely certain that you know your girl friend's tastes and size.

* I'm just kidding!  There are some crazies out there who dislike chocolate, so if you need to fill space in your bag, just get some other candy.


Step 3.  Buy a gift bag and some tissue paper.

Gift bags and tissue paper let you "wrap" your gift in approximately ten seconds, but at the same time, they give your gift a cute look.  For maximum cuteness, match the color(s) of the gift bag and tissue paper with the main color(s) of your gift.  And if you're feeling particularly cheap or lazy, recycle a gift bag or tissue paper from previous gifts that you've received!


Step 4.  For the creative types, don't buy a card.

Consider making one.  Sure, it takes a bit more work than just picking a Hallmark off the shelf at Walmart, but it can be fun, and it gives your present another thoughtful-ness point.  To avoid seeming cheap, subtly mention how you feel that homemade cards are much more personal than store-bought cards and just better.

Tips for making an awesome birthday card:

• Make it on card stock or thick construction paper.  If there's none around, fold printer paper twice (into fourths) to make the card thicker.
• Draw something cute.  Girls love cute things.  Like bunnies.  And bunnies eating flowers.
• Start your note on the inside with "Dear..."
• Don't forget to mention "Happy Birthday!"
• If you need to fill up space, draw birthday related things, such as gift-wrapped presents, balloons, and cakes with the correct number of candles.

Even if you're not the artistic type, you might be surprised at how cute drawings turn out when a non-artistic type tries to draw something.  At any rate, your giftee will appreciate the effort.


Step 5.  Take off the price tag.

Please don't forget to do this.


Step 6 (optional).  Bask in the glory of a job lazily done.

Arrive at your friend's house and give your gift with a smile and hug, knowing that your gift is passable, and you barely had to do anything!


Giving Gifts to Guys

Step 1.  A gift card to GameStop.

Or to a sports store, if he's more of a sporty guy.  Or to a book store, if he's more of a bookish guy.  Or cash, if he's one of those hard-to-shop-for hipsters.  The point is, I don't know anything about buying gifts for guys.